Torture
by Wedjatqi
Summary: John is on babysitting duty. A prequel to a wonderful scene from the Legacy novel 'Homecoming', so post S5. JT.


**Warnings: **SPOILER ALERT – this is set during the SGA novel 'Homecoming', the first book of the new Legacy series.

**Disclaimers**: I own no part of the Stargate world, what was onscreen or in the novel 'Homecoming'. I make no money from this; I only wish to enjoy the SGA world.

**Note:** Loved the 'Homecoming' novel, and though I intended to write a full review of it for Beya, I found myself writing an prequel scene to that wonderful one when Teyla returns to her quarters to find John asleep on babysitting duty. If you've missed the novel, check it out! It made my JT heart happy to read the direction the Legacy novels appear to be going.

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As much as he hated Atlantis' imprisonment on Earth, he loved having TV again. Deeply settled into the comfy couch, set before the television he had set up in Teyla's quarters 'for her', he was as happy as he got of late. His legs stretched out, his feet were settled on the thick Athosian woven carpet. Torren sat by his legs, whacking bright coloured plastic shapes into a box, at least that was the theory, but Torren seemed to prefer using the small rubber hammer to encourage the wrong shapes through the wrong holes.

The adverts having started, John leant forward to look down at Torren sat by his feet.

"You sure you aren't tired yet?" John asked hopefully. Torren grinned up at him, seeming in no way tired of his loud game despite the darkening under his eyes. "No?" John asked him with a smile and Torren shook his head with an answering grin.

Torren turned back to his game, the red square peg poised over the star shaped hole. Torren raised the little hammer.

John couldn't help but smile as Torren brought the hammer down with pretty good coordination, hitting most of the square pen, but it tumbled away to the carpet. Torren giggled as he reached for it again.

He should have been asleep a good hour ago, but in typical Torren form, he was far too excited and curious about everything to want to sleep. John didn't even bother trying to get Torren into his crib to sleep; months of regular babysitting had taught John not to force the kid. Instead, Torren liked the couch, which to him must be the biggest most comfortable bed in the world.

"You sure you want to stay there on the floor?" John asked. Torren looked up and round. John settled back into the plush cushions of Teyla's new Earth couch and made appreciative comfy noises. "It's real comfy up here," he suggested.

Torren frowned, and John could swear that Torren actually understood that John was trying to trick him into settling enough to sleep. Torren shook his head. Well, it had been worth a try.

"I'll have the couch all to myself, then," John declared as he swung his legs up and round as he stretched out along the couch. He made a show of settling into the cushions and sighed loudly. Torren didn't fall for it, and simply returned to his game.

"Great, I can't persuade you to sit on a couch, no wonder I couldn't get the hobnobs to send us back to Pegasus," John muttered to himself as he turned his attention back to the TV. Torren would fall asleep eventually, and Teyla wouldn't be back for another couple of hours, so John lifted the remote and returned to his long neglected hobby of channel hopping.

Various movies went past, then a range of crime shows, most of which were completely new to John. Then there were the standard comedy show repeats that seemed, despite having been off world for five years, to be the same handful of episodes that always seemed to be on. He made his way through documentaries, news, and finally went back round to the sports again.

At some point in the channel skipping, Torren had stopped his hammering and John glanced towards him to see the kid was sitting watching the flicking channels with interest. In the glow of the TV screen John saw Torren blink heavily, fighting tiredness for sure.

"What do you think, Torren?" John asked conversationally. "Ice hockey or, hey this could be good, basketball?" He had missed the game earlier, and the game replay was just starting, so he set the remote aside on the end table. The loud buzzing of the exciting pre-game madness had caught Torren's full interest, and as the players all poured onto the court, his little eyes were fixated on the screen as the game began.

Sensing victory on the horizon, John settled his head against one of the handmade Athosian cushions that decorated Teyla's couch. The material smelt of spicy Athosian incense and candle smoke. He hadn't been exaggerating to Torren – the couch really was comfortable, and John sighed out for real, relaxing into the support of Teyla's cushions.

He was getting used to spending time in her quarters, what with his regular babysitting duties. It had felt weird at first, spending time in her space, where presumably Kanaan used to sit and care for Torren. On the first few occasions that John had been left alone with Torren in her quarters, he had caught himself glancing around for signs of Kanaan's things. Teyla kept her place far too tidy though, so he guessed anything that was Kanaan's was probably all tucked away. Maybe she had hidden them away so they wouldn't reminder her of being so far away from him.

John steered his mind quickly away from that subject, the far too frequent dull ache in his chest returning. Sometimes he wondered if he was torturing himself by agreeing to watch Torren in her and Kanaan's quarters. His plan was that perhaps by being here enough that he would desensitise himself to these feelings, and the ever present sense that Kanaan's absence seemed to linger in the room around him.

It had been almost five months though and he had yet to 'desensitise'. In fact, it seemed to be getting harder to ignore all the distracting and inappropriate feelings he felt for Teyla. It had been easier before – busy all the time in Pegasus, and Kanaan had been around a lot of the time to care for Torren. Now, John had so much less to do in his duty shifts, no off world missions, and half of his free time was spent caring for Torren, which of course meant he was spending more time than ever with Teyla out of hours. It really was starting to feel like torture. Torture he couldn't seem to tear himself away from.

Torren shifted between John and the TV, turning round towards the couch and levering himself upright. Torren took the few steps towards John, his manner now definitely sleepy as he grasped the edge of the couch and then reached his arms up towards John.

"Da," Torren implored, his sleepy dark eyes begging to be held.

John had no idea where Torren had learnt the term, because no one on Atlantis would call him Torren's father in front of the kid. Perhaps, Nechayev had started it? If that was the case then it was John's own fault for letting the Russian keep thinking Teyla was his wife. Nechayev had assumed Torren was John's.

John reached down for the boy, pulling him up off the floor and onto the couch, and immediately Torren dropped his weight, settling down against John's chest. Torren loved his cuddles, and with complete faith in John's loving attention, he relaxed his little body across John's chest as if he were a mattress, and settled one little cheek over John's heart.

John wrapped one arm around the boy's legs, ensuring that he wasn't going to fall off the couch, and peered down at the boy's face. Torren was still watching the basketball, his dark eyes moving slightly, but he was blinking heavily, his breathing deep and steady against John's chest.

John watched his face for some uncountable time, as always fascinated by the cute little kid, so trusting in him. No wonder he was confused that John was his father when John spent so much time like this with him. He knew that he really shouldn't step into Kanaan's role so much, that it was misleading the kid, and somewhat traitorous towards Kanaan. John already had forbidden thoughts about Teyla, and starting to think of Torren as his own kid would take things too far. But, then if they never got to return to Pegasus, Torren would grow up without a father, and John knew how important a father was, from his own lack of connection with his own.

But, getting so close to the kid was dangerous in another way. If Atlantis really didn't ever return to Pegasus, then it was possible that Teyla would return on the _George_ _Hammond_ with Torren back to Pegasus. Back to Kanaan. And John would be left behind with no Teyla and no Torren.

John broke his eyes from Torren's sleepy face, struggling against the emotional conflict. He shouldn't fool himself that he could play a major role in Torren's life, because it didn't matter on which planet Atlantis stayed because Teyla would always return to Kanaan, her Athosian husband.

Torren sighed sleepily against John's chest, and John realised that he was stroking Torren's back soothingly.

Torren muttered sleepily, indiscernible sounds against John's shirt, and John smiled down at the boy, whose eyes were finally closed. He reached down with his free hand and tested how warm the boy's bare feet were, but they seemed warm enough. John would keep him like this for a bit, until Torren was deeply asleep and then he would transfer him to the crib in the next room. He returned his hand to Torren's little back, feeling the warmth of him, the small lungs working steadily away, and John took a breath of his own, feeling Torren's weight shift with him.

Yes, perhaps this was torture, being so close to Torren and Teyla, but at least when it came to Torren, it was a pain that John could willingly accept. John hadn't been close to many people in his life, and the pure simple love he felt for Torren, a baby he had held when he had been all of an hour old, and whose mom John already loved, was something he would never surrender until he had to.

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THE END


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